December Wolves: Not Howling At The New Moon

Not much to say about this one. I don't hate Twilight and that's not damning with faint praise. I just haven't been around it, so the information about it seems fresh and peculiar. Plus, we've all been young and liked bad things in retrospect.




I saw a magazine cover that said Twilight must die. I disagree.

This may sound counter-intuitive, but I mean it. Hearing about vampires right out of an Abercrombie ad does not annoy or phase me. I do not go into a frothing rage over the Twilight series and given that I've LARPed using a Vampire: the Masquerade setting, I'd like to think I have some cachet when I say these things.

It's for a couple reasons.

One. I've organized my life in such a manner that I avoid a lot of infotainment being paraded as news, so I'm not remotely fed up with the apparent ubiquity of the off-brand vampire series.

But, because I specifically avoid being innundated with news I don't care about, I'm not annoyed at "emo vampires." Speaking of which, I am convinced motherfuckers using the word emo have no fucking idea what it means and the ought to shut their goddamn mouths. The movies, at best are checkered and are full of Young Attractive People, who are apparently making the Hollywood rounds like every other batch of starlets before them. But if your world is under siege by news of shit you don't care about, the most recent of which being emo vampires, perhaps you ought to move away from that world.

(My life is also not structured so much that a dubiously authentic take on vampires insults me, either.)

For heaven's sake, guys. It's not like pop culture was terribly interesting before Twilight showed up and sucked the fun out of it. "Lady" Gaga can only be in the news so often.

My interaction with Twilight and its fanbase is minimal, by design. Therefore, when I hear it being discussed, it's something that still has a bit of freshness. The good vampires shine in the daylight, like glitter? Okay. It sounds like Magical Love Gentleman took a tragic turn, but whatever.


Two. It's an introduction for young people to reading. I'm a pretty voracious reader, but my infatuation started with Asterix and those sappy teen Jedi books. The good of kids still getting excited about books, in this case is far more powerful to me than the ubiquity of Twilight related merchandise.


Three. It's an introduction for young people to vampires. Who knows how many people will pick up a Buffy DVD or watch an episode on Hulu (Shit guys, do you think it's a coincidence that Hulu is broadcasting the whole series, one season at a time right the fuck now?) OR pick up a more "core" vampire book? These things can't be discounted. Truth is, we all have to start somewhere and for most of us, our introductions were just as gloriously terrible, if not more so.

In this case, this is their time to get intrigued and learn more, if they so choose. For the people who are "supposed" to know better, I don't know what to tell you. There are worse things to enjoy, secretly.


Four. I've heard the books are terrible from people I trust so it's not like I'm going into this expecting a great book and getting disappointed. I'm not horrified that the series itself plays fast and loose with the core concepts of vampires while retaining the parts it likes.

Vampire lore (like fiction generally) is pretty incestuous. White Wolf may complain, but they stole from Anne Rice, who was cribbing off of Bram Stoker, who may have just been rewriting the rougher stories he heard about Vlad the Impaler, mixed with his own imagination while a lot of people in Dublin had leprosy.

Also, Countess Bathory. Holy shit, Countess Bathory. Just click the link and you'll see why I'm at a loss for words there.

Twilight's a bad book series (but not the worst thing to happen ever) that for reasons that baffle me is huge. It's annoying for now, but if in five or six years we see a sustained interest in Buffy, Dracula and non-mainstream modes of communication then I think all the glittery teens are worth it.

THESE SHLAVS NEED TO GTFO OUR SCLAMS

I should already be asleep, so let's get down to brass tacks.

Point the first.
I have a semi-demi-hemi girlfriend, but a man cannot love a woman in the same way that a man can love, say, beer. Having grown up in either boondocks (west of bumblefuck) or a "college" town, I did not know the refined pleasures of beer that was not made of pisswater or drinks that consist of some bitters, snuck into the gaps between ice cubes through some kind of bartending legerdemain. Then I met my one true love, here in the city. Honestly. Brooklyn Brewery crafts ridiculously fine brews, seemingly brewed with the express purpose of enjoying them in the waning hours of the day, sitting in a sidewalk cafe in a trendy/filthy part of town, watching insane Russian vagrants mixing with the French hipsters.

Anyway, as the (endless!) summer finally draws to a close, it's very nice. Why weren't the preceeding months this nice? July was like being eaten alive by some kind of feral squirrel tribe. August was marked with a three day long family tiff. And September is entered in with whistful recollections of my youth, and tapping into a general sense of brotherly responsibility and affection.

April is the cruelest month indeed. Never be tutored by Ezra Pound.

Anyway, you know what's a bad idea? Right wing militant social organizations focusing around hating jews, gypsies, and gays. Sounds familiar, amiright? Well, those who don't remember history are doomed to be embarassed when they look back at themselves.

...Sorry, watching Flight of the Conchords, and it is hella distracting.

New York City can be a horrible place, because if anyone wants something, there are eighteen better people available to supply it. This is why I am having trouble finding both a place to work and a place to live. And why I'ma head to Pittsburgh. Sure, it's no New York. Hell, Brooklyn alone is bigger than Pittsburgh (no joke - it's about seven times larger in population), but it's cheap, close to people I like, and not as cutthroat.

Anyway. I'm a small fish, moving to a smaller pond. The humility needed to navigate a sub-par collegiate career is a difficult skill to pick up. The snide remarks and casual egotism tend to pale before the "Oy, we've no reason to hire you, pees awf" attitude that all of the evil British employers here have.

Speaking of the Brits - Pulp! Common People has to be among the finest songs written in the past fifty years. I was listening to it earlier today, and I tell you this - that song is the very definition of strutting music. While it plays on my headphones, I am ten feet tall and made of impenetrable adamantium. A good song to follow it up with? Clap Your Hands Say Yeah's The Skin Of My Yellow Country Teeth.

...There's a hoarse old man outside my window screaming "Who the fuck are you?"

Anyway, yes. The two go together like raspberries and ginger. And come on NME, Oasis as the best indie rock anthem band? You can go and suck on a brick until you realize that you aren't Pitchfork.

Did you hear that if we pull out of Iraq, proposed oil prices will go up to about $9 dollars a gallon? Betcha wish you'd waited before you bought that Hummer 3, eh? No? And you get all kinds of women, and can run over skyscrapers with it? Well damn, that is pretty neat. How much did it set you back? You got it used? Well, that's. Er. Hi!

Politics are not my strong suit, though, so don't ask me where or how I heard this.

With that in mind, might I draw your attention to this*? I like the midwest, kind of. I feel that it often gets a bad rap for... Jesus, the guy is still out there screaming, he's hoarser than Tom Waits... Anyway, it gets a bad rap for not being either New York or LA, or very often even humble Chicago. So it's nice to see something serious dealt with in a lighthearted but mature matter. Also, the joke about the woman thinking that getting her hair caught in the car door is an orgasm is pure gold.

*Work is not to be safe viewing plz.

GOD SHUT UP HOBO IT'S THREE AM.

Anyway, I'm on the train tomorrow. Happy labor day! Remember - were it not for the Trucker's Union, the US would still have the fastest, most efficient train system in the world. Ha ha, instead we have truck stops. Thanks a lump, boundless avarice.